Third Governor's Debate: Live Reaction

Michael: Where is this thing being held?

Anne: LaCrosse.

Michael: Hmmm.

Anne: What?

Michael: That’s kind of dangerous for Doyle.

Anne: What do you mean?

Michael: Well, since Green’s poll numbers haven’t improved much, he might try luring Doyle down to the river with a six-pack, and well, you know…

Anne: That’s really tasteless.

Michael: People can’t handle what I’m saying. They’re all like, “you can’t say that,” and I’m like, “I just did.”

Anne: That’s a funny bit on The Simpsons. It’s not really funny when you say it. First, you’re too old. Second, you’re not funny. Third, you’re too old.

Michael: I thought we had some peanuts.

Anne: Just because the television is on doesn’t mean you have to be eating. This isn’t a Packers’ game.

Michael: Is Interchange over?

Anne: You mean the most joyless 30 minutes on television? Looks that way. I thought Kevin Fisher was going to have a stroke and die right in the studio. I’m worried about him.

Michael: You know what his job is, right? He’s a Senate Republican aide.

Anne: Is that like a congressional page? I bet no one’s sending him any suggestive e-mails.

Michael: Right, I’m tasteless.’

Anne: Look, we both know we’re going to hell. This isn’t a recent development

Anne: God, I don’t even want to watch this, do you?

Michael: I feel sort of obligated at this point. We’ve slogged through the others…

Anne: Ok, blue suits, white or light blue shirts, dark red ties. American flag pins, right? Who will have the bigger pin?

Michael: Green. A big American pin. He’s got to compensate.

Anne: This is the best lighting so far.

Michael: God, citizen questions again. That’s it. I’m not watching this.

Anne: But they spent all day at a workshop, a workshop.

Anne: This is about quality of life issues? So, stuff like: How dumb is my kid, did I get shot while driving to work, do I need a new liver?

Michael: Basically, yes. No opening statements, thank God.

Anne: And the candidates can question each other? Excellent! They should have the debate in a cage and make them wear costumes like professional wrestling.

Michael: Green looks awful. He’s like Keith Richards after a 72 hour jag. His eyes are totally bloodshot.

Anne: So, health care is the first question. No, Green, you’re supposed to be answering the pasty man’s question. Not blathering on and on thanking everyone.

Anne: So, it’s all about choice for Green. Every family should have multiple choices in how they’ll self-fund their emergency room visits—payday loans, auto title loans, high interest credit cards, whatever. It’s all good.

Michael: Doyle has a made a good start on this question. He looks poised, smoking Green on details.

Anne: Doyle’s American Flag Pin is bigger than Green’s – boo-YA!

Michael: Next question is about education. Who is asking this question? Is he 13? “My question is about schools because I just graduated from 8th grade?”

Anne: Robbing Peter? To pay Paul? Wow, this guy just got some slammin’ civics class extra credit. Little Buddy’s getting an A for sure.

Michael: This is the most boring debate ever.

Michael: There’s Jessica Doyle. The woman sitting next to her looks like she’s trying to crawl into her lap.

Anne: Doyle is doing better than he ever has—he sounds confident.

Anne: Again, Green is saying that Doyle has a sign in his office that says “Pass the Buck?” Wherever did he get that sign? It seems strange that he’d keep something like that.

Michael: Green’s had three weeks and he’s still using that Harry Truman line? If I were him I would strangle Mark Graul.

Michael: They’re moving onto crime.

Anne: God, Mary from Sun Prairie asks the most softball crime question EVER and Green can’t answer it. Was that like a five second pause?

Michael: So, Green’s for funding classrooms 70%, but funding prisons 100%?

Anne: Huh? This is a prison guard safety issue? I thought that union was backing Doyle, too.

Michael: Green should just come out and say “This is why I support the death penalty. An executed criminal won’t be eating the state out of house and home. My death penalty stance is really just about costs savings.”

Anne: Doyle needs to remind people that he was AG – ok, he did.

Michael: Doyle might have less hair than he had three weeks ago.

Anne: Why are they still letting Mary talk? What IS she trying to say?

Michael: Look, Doyle just grinned at Green—hey, buddy, why don’t you handle Mary for both of us, okay?

Anne: Is Green really so un-savvy that he can’t answer Mary’s question? It’s such a lame question that you can really just jump on your hobbyhorse and take it in any direction.

Michael: Who is the male host? He looks like Eddie Munster.

Anne: Doyle’s head is MUCH less shiny. They must have rubbed some talc on it or something.

Michael: Look it’s the ethics in government question with Tony, the old crabby coot.

Anne: Uh-oh, Green’s off and running on the Indian gaming thing.

Michael: He’s rubbing his hands together like he’s Lex Luthor or something.

Anne: This format is an absolute nightmare. Someone needs to take charge here.

Anne: How many times is Doyle going to call him “Congressman Green?” I hope it’s like 600 times.

Michael: We should start referring to him as Congressman Green.

Anne: RIGGED the state elections board? Did he just say RIGGED the state elections board?

Michael: Ok, now it’s getting interesting. Come on, Doyle, draw some blood here.

Anne: Thanks Fredericka for cutting this off and reminding us that we’re watching a debate. Seriously, I might not have known otherwise.

Michael: Look, they found the oldest woman in the state to ask ANOTHER health care question.
Anne: So, Congressman Green is in favor of consumer based health care—you know, like, how you won’t be able to CONSUME things like food when you pay for prescriptions or doctor visits.

Michael: It’s too bad this whole format is such a nightmare, because Doyle does really sound on-message, confident, and sincere.

Anne: This thing where the “moderators” go back and ask the person if the candidate answered the question is annoying.

Michael: Is this guy’s named Hugo Henry or Henry Hugo? Green and Doyle can’t seem to decide.

Anne: It’s Henry Hugo, and he is looking WAY better than either Green or Doyle and he’s more charismatic. Maybe he should run for governor.

Michael: Now Doyle can roll with his education accomplishments. Green just has to complain more.

Anne: How much you wanna bet that Green’s going to start talking about choice and home schooling?

Michael: Hugo Henry looks pissed, like he’s going to eat Green if he doesn’t get his question answered.

Anne: It’s Henry Hugo! Green is saying nothing…nothing…still nothing…Ta-da! Choice schools! Wisconsin, I’m a huge supporter of every half-baked-mom-and-pop-fly-by night crap-ass school. That’s the way to close that achievement gap!

Michael: The 70 “cent” plan, eh? That sounds about right, Congressman Green.

Anne: Who is that woman sitting next Jessica Doyle and why is she showing so much leg?

Michael: Energy issues. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. This really is the most boring debate ever. Oh wait, he’s asking about nuclear energy. Like mutant fish.

Anne: Hmmm. Does the Green staff read the Journal Sentinel? Energy costs are going way down this winter.

Anne: Look at the expressions on the faces of the audience—they’re like, “what is Green talking about? Johnson Controls is going to solve the energy crisis?”

Michael: Wow, worst response EVER from Green and that’s saying something. He really flubbed his way through that one.

Anne: Alright, Doyle’s linking Green to big oil! Go Jim! And renewable energy—a subtle reminder to the Green Party voters to leave the land of fancy and vote for a real candidate.

Anne: Alright, this questioner, Joe from wherever he’s from might be our last hope. Will he ask about abortion, gay marriage or stem cells? Pump a modicum of excitement into this debate?

Anne: Healthcare. Again.

Michael: No, no, no, Jim, abort, abort—don’t tell people you’re keeping detailed records on their medical conditions! They'll freak out. Oh, okay he got to his point—the records can reduce errors.

Anne: Great, now we’re talking about tort reform. Anybody still watching this just fell into a coma.

Michael: Don’t tell Congressman Green that. He’ll try to sign them up for a health savings account.

Anne: How many “high priorities” does Congressman Green have?

Michael: See, Green’s willing to let victims receive just compensation when they’re injured. Maybe even a gift certificate.

Anne: Doyle is looking pissed suddenly. This tort question really got him going.

Michael: Well, Eddie Munster killed another moment where the candidates we’re going to actually debate. Can’t have that. Let’s move on to final statements.

Michael: Why is Doyle squinting? This is a good statement, but he’s squinting.

Anne: Did Congressman Green really ask us all to “come on down with him”?

Anne: That was not a bad speech the Congressman gave. I’m sure the 17 people still watching enjoyed it.

Michael: Freddy Krueger and Eddie Munster are thanking us for watching.

Anne: Yep, we’ll see you guys again—in four years.